The Hunter Partnership Alliance

"When society requires to be rebuilt, there is no use in attempting to rebuild it on the old plan. No great improvements in the lot of mankind are possible, until a great change takes place in the fundamental constitution of their modes of thought."
John Stuart Mill

We talk to hundreds of people in business each year and a significant percentage are frustrated, disappointed and unhappy at work. We`ve been working with companies for over 16 years now. We`ve had the opportunity to talk to thousands of people. It`s pretty clear to us what the source of the problem is. Let`s discuss it and then talk about what you can do to turn things around for yourself.

First we want to take a look at the nature of people, how life has designed all of us. You see, life was here long before you and I got here. We were born into an existing system that had us turn out the way we have turned out. The way we are, the way people are, the way the world is is no accident. There is an underlying design.

When we`re born, for all practical purposes, the slate is clean. We don`t bring into life with us any stories, concepts, judgments, evaluations, interpretations and the like. However, it doesn`t stay that way very long. Immediately, events begin to occur. While these events truly have no inherent meaning, we do not have much ability to not attach meaning to the events of life. And so we do. We assess and interpret the events of life and make one decision after another. What starts to emerge is a pretty elaborate story about life in general, ourselves and other people. Psychologists tell us that by age 5, the story of our life is about 50% written, by age 8, it is 80% written and by age 18, it is 95% written.

What`s the significance of this? It becomes significant when we look at the world in which we have grown up and the predominant way that parents teach children. The predominant paradigm is that parents know and children don`t, and it`s the job of parents to teach the uneducated child what it needs to learn about life. Unfortunately, given their upbringing, our parents were not very skilled at doing this. Mostly, we were criticized, scolded, hit, punished and treated disrespectfully. Even if our parents were loving, we got plenty of these negative messages from other children, from the school system and wherever we went. Negative messages were part of the very fabric of our culture.

What`s the underlying message? When an otherwise intelligent child is treated in this way they invariably conclude that they must not be very smart, very bright, very capable or some other equally disempowering notion. And we make some pretty powerful decisions as a result of this message. We are convinced that nobody escapes childhood without concluding, in one form or another, that there must be something wrong with us, maybe we`re not good enough, maybe we`re not okay. Do you wonder why more people fear public speaking than even death? After all, for most people they`d rather die than get up in front of a group and have their shortcomings be exposed. It also explains why teenagers are so easily influenced and are so much wanting approval. After all, if you don`t approve of yourself, you look for approval from others.

So the fundamental declaration on which people build their lives is: I`m not okay. And this has some pretty devastating consequences. When one feels that they`re not okay, one has their attention on themselves and literally becomes concerned with their own survival. Life then becomes about proving that they are okay and, in our culture, Madison Avenue has indoctrinated us with the belief that being okay is synonymous with making it in life, achieving the American dream, having the house with the white picket fence, the right number of perfectly behaved children, the top of the line Mercedes, etc., etc., etc.

So if you really study our culture, what you discover is a lot of insecure, afraid, angry and upset people who do not know why or what to do about it. People have their attention on themselves, what they`re up to is trying to make it in life, i.e. climb the ladder of success, achieve the American dream, be successful, and what they`re committed to is getting for themselves what it is that they want.

And human beings have developed some interesting rules by which to play the game of survival. For our conversation, the most relevant ones are: Always, under all circumstances, try to be right and at all costs avoid being wrong; always try to win and be sure you never lose; always be in control of every situation and relationship; always attempt to justify yourself and your actions and invalidate others and theirs; and whenever things don`t work out blame others and avoid responsibility. Can you relate to these rules? Can you see how much you and everybody else plays according to them every day?

Now before you leap to the conclusion that we think that all of this is bad, we want to assure you that it`s not. We’re just intending to shine light on one possible way to live to your life, one possible way to be a human being. And, like everything else in life, this way of being has its` consequences. Here are the consequences that we have discovered come along with being this kind of human being: your life is not of a very high quality, because you want to be someplace other than where you are, you often wonder if it`s all worth it or not, you seem to have to put up with a lot, you are often disappointed by people, you don`t feel like you make enough money, you have hassles with your clients, staff, and/or partners, clients occasionally or frequently complain about you, you have dissatisfied clients, you lose clients and you have turnover.

Can you relate to one or more of those consequences? It would be useful for you to conclude that you have your attention on yourself, you`re concerned with your survival, what you`re up to is trying to make it in life and what you`re committed to is getting what you want.

Let`s look at how this plays out in society. This is the present state of being human. Everybody`s frustrated and angry. Everybody`s trying to survive and make it. Look at the world we live in - it`s a mess. People are not about making love, they`re about making war and getting even. And, people are totally unwilling to take responsibility for their own circumstances. We`ve raised a generation of victims. After all, when anything goes wrong, justify yourself, invalidate others, blame others and avoid responsibility. This is why people are so litigation happy. Nobody sees themselves as responsible for anything in their life. Look at how this plays out in business. Problems are to be avoided at all costs. Whenever there is a problem, people get defensive, justify their actions, try to find fault in others, and on and on. We hate to say it this way, but we live in a pretty sick world. We`ve raised and continue to raise generations of fearful, angry, resentful people.

And they`re using the legal system to play the game. Often, very often, people come to lawyers, not because they have a legitimate right they want vindicated but because they want to use the system to be right, or to get even, or to win. People are using lawyers to fight their battles for them. Have you seen an ad for a hired gun lately? Have you seen any recent television commercials where some lawyer says, "I`ll fight for you?"

It seems to me that it`s the lawyer`s job to help people sort all that out, to have them take responsibility, to have them not use the system in inappropriate ways. That`s what Ghandi saw:

"My joy was boundless. I had learnt the true practice of law. I had learnt to find out the better side of human nature and to enter men`s hearts. I realized that the true function of a lawyer was to unite parties riven asunder. The lesson was so indelibly burnt into me that a large part of my time during the twenty years of my practice as a lawyer was occupied in bringing about private compromises of hundreds of cases. I lost nothing thereby -- not even money, certainly not my soul."

But here is the real problem. Lawyers are human beings, too. They too are caught up in the reality of life. They too are concerned with their survival, making it, etc. The legal profession has unfortunately become a catch-all place for people who don`t know what else to do with their lives. It is, for far too many lawyers, a place to make it in life. So who do they have their attention on? Themselves. What are they up to? Trying to make it in life! What are they committed to? Getting for themselves what it is that they want. So, are they necessarily willing to be a stand for justice, honor, integrity, fairness, etc. and set the client straight? Mostly, no. Why? It`s obvious. They don`t want to lose the client, they want the money, they know the client will just go to someone else, they don`t want to look stupid, etc. So lawyers perpetuate the problem and, they too, pay the consequences discussed above, which is why so many lawyers end up unhappy and their clients end up not being served. It`s a rotten game and everyone`s losing.

So, where do we go from here? We hope it`s obvious that BandAid solutions are not going to work. As John Stuart Mill said, we really need to rebuild our society and we can`t rebuild it on the old plan. Truly, a great change needs to take place in the fundamental constitution of our mode of thought. Another quote comes to mind:

"I dreamed I had a child, and even in the dream I saw it was my life, and it was an idiot, and I ran away. But it always crept into my lap again, clutched at my clothes. Until I thought, if I could kiss it, whatever in it was my own, perhaps I could sleep. And I bent to its broken face, and it was horrible... but I kissed it. I think one must finally take one`s life in one`s arms.
Arthur Miller

So what does taking one`s life in one`s arms mean? Is there another way to be a human being, a way which doesn`t have such a high price tag? How to be a human being that empowers life. If the type of human being that we have described heretofore is the way we are unconsciously, how would we design a conscious human being? Here are our thoughts.

What`s this human being`s conversation going to be about itself? Clearly it`s going to be, I`m okay. The thought that there is something wrong with us, that we`re not okay, is just some used up remnant from childhood. It`s not the truth about us. As Nelson Mandela said in his 1994 inaugural speech:

"We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It`s not just in some of us; it`s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others."

What`s this human being`s conversation going to be about where there is to go? Well, there`s no place to go. I`ve already made it in life. There`s nothing to be proved, nothing that can be proved. Who`s this human being going to be interested in? Other people! It`s really interesting what we`ve discovered. Once people get that they are okay and that there`s no place to go and nothing to prove and that life is about the journey and not the destination, what they naturally do is put their attention on other people. And what are they committed to? Empowering people, serving them, contributing, making a difference.

Here are the consequences that we have discovered result from being this kind of a human being: Your life is of very high quality, you`re happy, satisfied and fulfilled where you are, you`re clear that it`s all worth it, you have a sense of purpose in your life, you feel that what you do matters and makes a difference, there are only occasional annoyances, mostly you get along with people, you mostly have great relationships with your clients, staff and partners, you don`t ever hear and you`re not aware of any client complaints, your clients are satisfied and stay with you, and your staff is satisfied and stays with you.

Sound like consequences you would like to experience? Become a conscious human being: Get your attention on other people, be about serving them, and be committed to getting other people what they want. Life is truly paradoxical and here`s the greatest paradox of all: To the extent that you`re in life for what`s in it for you, there is nothing in it for you. It`s only when you`re in life for others that all of life`s riches can come to you.

So that`s the challenge ahead of you. You will either be part of the problem or part of the solution. The choice is yours. You can continue to operate unconsciously or you can become a conscious human being. We’re not saying it will be easy, it probably won`t be, but every journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step and the first step here is to decide to take it on. If you investigate people with very high quality lives, you will find the following: They have their attention on other people, what they`re up to is serving them, and they are committed to getting other people what they want.

Take it on as a project. It`ll be worth it and you really will not have to worry about all of the things you need to do. When you put your attention on others, it all comes naturally. You will be happier, your staff will be happier and your clients will be happier. It`s a win/win/win situation. How you live your life is your choice. And the person who will have to accept the consequences of your choice is you. Make the choice wisely.

About the Author:
Scott Hunter is a professional speaker, workshop leader, consultant and coach. He speaks on creating meaningful, quality relationships in the workplace to increase productivity, creativity, teamwork and profitability. He can be reached at scott@thpalliance.com. Visit his web site: www.thpalliance.com.